My Health Struggles
I was recently in a discussion where I mentioned some of the major health challenges I’ve faced:
- Five heart attacks
- A saddle pulmonary embolism that should have killed me
- End-stage kidney disease requiring dialysis three times weekly
- Diabetes
- ADHD
- A below-knee amputation
- And more
The Illusion of Choice in Adversity
During the discussion – as has happened many times before – the person noted how strong I was to persist through all of this. While they weren’t wrong, I couldn’t help but wonder: what choice did I really have?
If you had told my younger self about these future challenges, I’m not sure I could have handled knowing. When we imagine severe health issues, our brains frame them as choices – “I would never choose to go through that.” But that’s not how real life works.
My First Heart Attack Experience
When I had my first heart attack, I didn’t choose it. The symptoms came gradually over two weeks – persistent pain in my left shoulder that kept worsening. When my partner Rachel suggested the ER, I dismissed it as just a sore shoulder.
Eventually the pain became unbearable and I took a Lyft to the ER (yes, a Lyft – I had no idea it was a heart attack). After an EKG, several nurses rushed in and informed me I was having a heart attack and needed an immediate heart catheterization.
The Reality of Medical Choices
Heart caths are unpleasant procedures, especially for someone squeamish about medical procedures. But in that moment, what choice did I have? The procedure could save my life. While I’ve now had five caths and hesitate more each time, the potential benefits always outweigh the discomfort.
This illustrates my point: Nobody would voluntarily choose a heart cath, but when faced with the alternative of potential death, the choice becomes clear.
The Amputation Decision
My below-knee amputation followed a similar pattern. After nine months of trying to heal a partial foot amputation, doctors began suggesting complete amputation. For weeks, my doctor vacillated – one week recommending amputation, the next suggesting we wait.
Eventually, we reached a point where the unhealed wound posed serious infection risks. While not an easy decision, I had to weigh the ongoing danger against the potential benefits. Despite the challenges of being a wheelchair user now, I don’t regret that choice.
The Fundamental Choice We All Face
When people ask how I’ve made it through all these challenges, I respond: “What choice did I have?” The reality is, we all face the same basic options:
- End our lives
- Continue living
That makes the choice rather straightforward.
Of course, I struggle to improve my health and quality of life where possible. Some efforts succeed, others don’t, but life continues until it doesn’t.
A Psychologist’s Insight That Changed Me
After my amputation, a psychologist visited me during rehab. He noted two things about me:
- I frequently tried to make staff laugh
- I often blamed things on my ADHD
Then he said something profound that still affects me deeply: “When you try to make people happy, that’s not your ADHD. That’s you choosing to do that. You shouldn’t credit ADHD for the good things you choose to do.”
As someone with ADHD, I’d spent much of my life receiving negative feedback and internalizing self-loathing. My diagnosis finally explained many struggles, but it’s easy to focus only on the negatives.
His words reminded me that while ADHD explains some challenges, I deserve credit for my positive choices – like trying to bring joy to others. That’s my genuine empathy and care shining through.
The Core Message: Choosing How We Respond
While writing this to encourage others facing struggles, I’ve also reminded myself that I am strong for persisting. The crucial lesson is:
You don’t choose what happens to you, only how you respond.
When life throws challenges at you:
- Take time to process the situation
- Allow yourself to feel the emotions
- Then keep moving forward
Dwelling on the past or worrying about the future accomplishes nothing. You can only decide what to do now, in this moment and the next.
Don’t beat yourself up for past choices. Keep trying to make better ones as you can. And above all, choose to keep going – because what other choice is there?